Alison Crowther-Smith

Archive for the ‘Face Book’ Category

Whiny Face Book Users: wots up wiv U???

Thursday, September 12th, 2013

I like new media.  I am really keen on social networking.  To be quite honest, it works for someone like me who is a hermit at heart – OK not just at heart – but has rare social outbursts.  Face Book (FB from now on ‘cos I’m too cool and busy to write it out each time;  but not too busy for apostrophes, it seems, hmmm?), for example, means I can kind of ‘meet’ people, but not actually go out.  Or get dressed.  Sometimes, if the world or just Bridgwater is really lucky, these things – going out and getting dressed – might coincide.  That said, it’s been a warmish summer and Bridgwater has had its clothes off for most of it.

Clearly, I also like blogging.  I’ve been droning on about leaves and dogs and sometimes even knitting, on this blog for almost three years now.

I also tweet.  I like that a lot less.

But, as with so many things in life, there are downsides.  Take swimming with sharks.  Great fun, as I think we can all agree, but sometimes someone has to spoil it and get eaten up, and then suddenly it’s not all fun and games any more is it?


Now FB is like that.  It’s all fun times and pictures of your dog dressed as a radish, or a profound thought for the century (‘Every journey starts with a single step’.  Oh please.  No it doesn’t.  It starts with every time I try to pull off my own bloody drive, every other car in Somerset comes charging down my road.  Which is basically a dead-end).

See, what I love about FB is the random stuff such as pictures of what people are eating.  I know it’s hip to judge this use of FB (and Twitter) but it’s one of the main aspects that I like.  I want to know what you made for brunch!  I love to see what you took to work for lunch.  I genuinely need to see your Sunday roast/tapas/fish and chips.  I am not being sarcastic.  I even like pictures of pints of cider or beer, even though I don’t drink it.

The trouble with maybe being a bit sarcastic and um, borderline ‘snippy’ (not borderline, sweetie, not at all. It’s all or nothing.  In the case of snippy, it’s all), when I say something serious that sounds like it might be sarky, even I think it comes over that way.  But I genuinely like the mundane, every-day things that I think FB is so good at.  If I am friends with you on FB, then that is probably why and also, for future ref, it’s what I’m looking for from you guys.  OK?

What did you buy at the shops?  How cute is your dog?  How hilarious you look with ice-cream down your face.  Wow!  you were really drunk last night!  That’s what I need.

I also like a good rant.  You may from time to time get one from me, if you’re lucky, about once every two or three months.  I’m a ranter.  I like that quality in others.  To be quite truthful, I distrust the non-ranters.  It’s in there, inside us all, trust me, it’s in there but it’s all pent up in the N-Rs.  Let it go.  FB (if you’re friends with me on FB that is) is the place to do it.  I love to read a bus-journey/train-delay rant.  I enjoy a rant about so-called public services.  Rants about co-workers (that would be yours, I don’t have any.  Any more.  Sigh), are almost my favourites. I especially like a rant I can relate to, you see, but any rant will do, really.

Know what else I like?  Bragging.  FB bragging rocks. You know, the pride that I think we’re all entitled to if we have a good day.  Your child gets good examination results/a place at their choice of Uni – I LOVE that, because FB is – or should be – a friendly place.  I love it when someone goes on FB and yells:  I knitted a really hard lace thing and the numbers all worked!  Or:  I ran a race and I feel amazing!  Or:  LOOK AT MY BAKED GOODS!!  This may be because I can’t bake really so I like it when I see proper home-made looking stuff on there, not perfect – so much the better, because it’s more real.  It actually makes me happy if my friends are happy.  See, I’m not the knitting Grinch after all.  Green – so trying…

And…you’re back in room.  Here’s what I don’t need on FB.

Games:  Just.  Go.  Away.

The FB whine.  This differs from a rant because a whine is either just incredibly boring and self-pitying; or – and this is worse – it’s cryptic.

The cryptic whine.  It might go like this:

Whiny FB User:

Grrr…. (sad face)


I’m soooo mad right now at certain people…. (snarly face)

To which the correct response is to un-friend Whiny FB User or at least un-subscribe from any of his/her future posts.

But what actually happens is, WFBU’s friends all swarm on to offer sage and helpful comments such as:

O babe, wots up wiv U hon? RU OK? XXXXXXX

WFBU will then either abandon FB, presumably while they dig out some new emoticons (go and look it up on Google – then be a bit sick in your mouth).  And sit back and wait for their ‘besties’ to whip themselves up into a FB ferment of indignant outrage, the origins of which may have become unclear- if indeed they ever were clear.

For all we know, as we gnash our teeth and clench our collective FB fist on behalf of our slighted, whiny friend, s/he has discovered her partner in bed with the newsagent.  Or s/he may have just discovered that his/her latte was not hot enough/too hot and had no vanilla shot in it.  We’ll never know, either, because WFBUs never tell.

WFBU might come back onto FB and say, bluntly:  thanx Babe, will PM you XXXXXXX  (PM = personal/private message).


If it needs a personal message, then why the hell did you kick it off on a public forum, you numpty?

Or even more blatant is the ‘I just popped that cryptic whine on FB because I wanted you all to pay me some attention’ league, is the response:

I’ll txt U hon – FB not the place for this, LOL

And that didn’t occur to you when you started with this post either, then?

Anyway! That’s my up-lifting post of the day.  As I say, I do love FB but I prefer to keep it light; if not always light-hearted, at least not to do it in some silly, secret-squirrel style of posting.  So let’s have pictures of sandwiches, parties, knitting, tipsy parties, feet (a firm favourite of mine on FB, perhaps I mean shoes…?), more parties…OK?

Great! Thnx babe luv U (sideways heart).